Colossians 3:18-4:1 –
¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. ²⁰ Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. ²¹ Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. ²² Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. ²³ Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, ²⁴ knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. ²⁵ For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. 

4 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven. 

Introduction

Thanks to the guys for preaching and extra shepherding while I was out.  As Hunter mentioned last week in Berea, God has been kind to us in blessing us with such good elders.  

The TLI trip was probably the best I’ve ever been on in terms of godliness and visible fruit among the trainees.  It was a personal blessing to study Revelation in preparation as much as any other trip as well.  As we said all week, above all, Revelation helps us to see that our enemies are fiercer than we imagine, but our God’s strength and victory are immeasurably greater still.  It is right, therefore, to hope in Him no matter our circumstances.

Visiting the P family was exceedingly encouraging as well.  I remember Kyle saying after his visit that it’s hard to appreciate the nature of their ministry without seeing it firsthand.  I can attest to that.  Due to government restrictions and persecution, they are not able to minister as they would like in a number of ways.  However, due to that same persecution, the ministry they do have shines brighter still.  

It was good to go and it is good to be back.

And with that, after a month-long break, welcome back to Colossians.  Slowly, we’ve made our way all the way to the fourth and final chapter.  In the way of a brief refresher, the main reason for Paul’s letter is to answer a single question for the Colossian church: What does it mean to honor God in the midst of confusion, persecution, and false teaching?  His main answer to hold fast to Jesus since He alone is preeminent over all things.  

For much of his letter, Paul writes in high and lofty theological terms.  His clearest declarations have been that “Christ is all and in all” (3:11) and that “You have been raised with Christ” (3:1).  And his clearest application has been “Set your minds on the things that are above, not on the things of earth” (3:2).  As amazing as those things are, what they mean for daily living was not obvious.  

Inevitably, then, the Colossians must have been wondering what all of that meant for their ordinary lives, in their marriages, families, and homes.  What does it look like to take your mind off of the things of earth and put them on Christ who is above in relation to their most immediate and demanding relationships?  Were they to minimize or neglect those things?  Were they to forget about and leave them behind altogether?  

Our passage is part of Paul’s answer to that question.  And it is also a good reminder that there is no inherent tension between big God theology and practical living.  Being made new and given a new perspective in Christ certainly changes certain aspects of ordinary life and normal relationships, but equally certainly, it doesn’t eliminate them.  Indeed, setting our minds on things above mainly means recognizing what it means to have our ordinary lives and relationships properly oriented.  

For the next three weeks, then, we’re going to look at three pairs of relationships in relation to Christian homes (one pair each week—husbands/wives, parents/kids, masters/bondservants).

This week we’ll focus exclusively on vs.18-19.  Insodoing, we’ll see the big idea that one critical aspect of enduring persecution and living according to our new natures in Christ, in light of the preeminence of Jesus, is wives fittingly submitting to their husbands and husbands gently loving their wives.  That’s also the main takeaway.  

The Bigger Story of Marriage

What’s the hardest command in the Bible for you to consistently and joyfully obey—not to understand or to believe or even reluctantly submit to, but to joyfully obey?  Of course, there are many possible answers, but for many Christians, for all kinds of reasons, its Paul’s commands in Colossians 3:18-19.  

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

We’ll come back to some of the reasons why it’s often hard in a bit, but for now, I want to offer some help for you to see and embrace these commands as the sweet gifts from God that they are.  To do that, we need to see marriage and our God-given roles in it from higher up.

Christians have long understood that everything in God’s design for Creation is good, beautiful, and true—all three.  I’ve mentioned before that there’s been a shift in focus from when I first began in ministry to today.  Thirty years ago, when it came to issues like this, the main discussions and arguments centered around whether or not it is true that God means wives today to be subject to their husbands and husbands ought to love their wives without harshness.  Lots of work, scholarly and otherwise, was put into defending or defeating those ideas (mostly the first one) on a factual level.  Today, as you may have noticed, the debates are more oriented to the goodness and beauty of Paul’s charge, regardless of its truthfulness.  

In the wake of decades of increasingly secular thinking, it’s just really hard for many to believe that any distinction in roles for husbands and wives is good and it’s almost impossible to believe it’s beautiful; much, much less that wives being submissive to their husbands is.  The truth is, inside the story of secularism—uncreated, undesigned, and unpurposed—it’s not hard to see why that is.  At the same time, though, it’s not hard at all to see that it is good and beautiful inside God’s story, the one True story.   

For that reason, before we get into the truth of the passage, it’s important that we first consider the story inside which it’s easy to see that it’s also good and beautiful.  

Love and Submission Rooted in God’s (Very Good) Created Order

The first aspect of the story inside which a husband’s gentle loving of his wife and a wife’s fitting subjection to her husband finds its good and beautiful place is tied to God’s very good created order.  In other words, it’s one thing for Paul to issue these commands as a cultural-specific application, but it’s something entirely different for him to do so in accordance with God’s original design in Creation.  Indeed, Paul’s main claim is that God designed man and women for fitting submission and gentle love within marriage.

In Genesis 2, we see that before God created woman, He made man from the dust of the ground (2:7), gave man responsibility and authority to tend God’s creation (2:15), and gave man commands to ensure blessing (2:16-17).  What’s more, when God did make woman, it was as a helper man to fulfill God’s plan (2:18), it was from man (2:22), and God gave the man to name the woman (1:20, 3:20).  We see in the NT that the relationship between man and woman/husband and wife continued to be rooted in God’s created order (Matthew 19:4-6; 1 Timothy 2:13, 1 Corinthians 11:8-9).

In other words, the first thing to see is that Paul’s instructions in Colossians 3:18-19 were not ultimately some cultural preference or practice.  They were rooted in Creation itself; that is, in mankind’s God-given nature.  

Men and women are equally created in the image of God, with equal dignity, honor, and worth, but God also created us distinct in (some ways in) role.  Once we begin to see that, it becomes easier to see the goodness of it.  

Love and Submission Rooted in God’s Nature

The second aspect of the story inside which our passage finds its proper place concerns the very nature of God.  God is Triune (one God in three persons; Father, Son, and Spirit) and the first seeds of the relationship between husband and wife are found inside the relationship between the persons of the godhead.  

The kind of love Paul commands husbands to have for their wives (agape) is the kind the Father has for the Son (John 3:35, 10:17, 17:23).  Likewise, the kind of submission Paul commands wives to have for their husbands is the kind the Son has for the Father (1 Corinthians 15:28, 11:3) and the Spirit to the Son (John 16:7, 13-14).  

God’s created design in man and woman/husband and wife (equal in dignity, honor, and worth, but distinct [in some ways] in role), husband’s love for his wife, and a wife’s submission to her husband in particular, was an intentional mirror of the relationship between persons of the Trinity.  In other words, the beginning of the story inside which the commands of Colossians 3:18-19 find their good and beautiful place, is found in the very nature of God.  

Husbands, you’ll never gently love your wives, and wives, you’ll never fittingly submit to your husbands, and church, you’ll never see either of those as good and beautiful, if you don’t start with the fact that a husband is no more superior to his wife than the Father is to the Son, just as a wife is no more inferior to her husband than the Son is to the Father.  Likewise, just as every command of the Father is only that which is absolutely for the best of the Son, so too is every act of authority of the husband to be for the absolute best for his wife.  And all that as an ever-visible picture of God Himself.

Love and Submission Rooted in the Aim of all Things

Finally, we’ll never understand, love, or apply Paul’s commands as we ought—we’ll never see them as good and beautiful—if we don’t read them with the end and aim of the Biggest and Greatest and Truest story in mind.  The end of all things for all of God’s people is to be presented to Jesus as His beloved bride.

Revelation 19:6-9Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out, “Hallelujah! For the Lord our God the Almighty reigns. ⁷ Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready…⁹ And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.”

Who is the bride?  Who is the Lamb (Groom)?  Paul writes in Ephesians 5, a very parallel passage, “²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church… ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… ³¹ “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”

Husbands, wives, every time you obey Paul’s commands, you are doing what you were made to do and participating in what you will do forever in the new heavens and earth—you are painting a living picture of the true salvation of mankind; our union with Jesus Christ and His bride, the Church.  This means that our love and submission are good, beautiful, and true in this life, but especially as they point to the great glory of the next.  

In the same way, however, this also means that every time you fail to obey—husbands, every time you fail to love gently; wives, every time you fail to submit fittingly—not only is it disobedience to God, it also lies about the nature of the relationship between Jesus and the Church and the glory of heaven; no small things!

Again, then, before we get to the truthfulness (the meaning and application) of the text, can you see how it really is good and beautiful as well inside the proper story?

Why Is Love and Submission So Hard?

One more quick note…If all of that is as good, beautiful, and true as I say it is (and it is), if it’s rooted in Creation, the nature of God, and the aim of all things (and it is), then why is it often so hard?  If it’s meant to give life and glory and hope, why is it often accompanied by pain and difficulty?  If all of that is natural and proper, why does it often feel so awkward and difficult?  If all of that is meant to make us thrive and prosper, why does it often lead to frustration and even abuse?

There are three main reasons: Sin, curse, and Satan.  

Sin.  The first man and woman, properly instructed in the truth of God’s design, and properly ordered in its goodness and beauty, decided to forsake all of that for their own way.   They sinned by rejecting God’s order.  Conforming to God’s design and Paul’s commands are hard, therefore, because Adam and Eve brought permanent* disorder and enmity with God upon themselves and all their offspring—including you and I.   Jesus died to forgive us our sins, and that happens instantly when we trust in Him.  What’s more, He rose from the dead to properly reorder our lives, but that happens gradually in this life and is only complete in the next.  In the meantime, husbands sometimes don’t love well and lead sinfully and wives are sometimes proud and obstinate.  Personal agendas rule and abuse happens.  It’s hard because of sin.   

Curse.  Beyond the disorder and condemnation that their sin brough to mankind, God “cursed” Adam and Eve in specific ways that make obeying Colossians 3:18-19 particularly hard.  “To the woman [God] said, ‘Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you’” (Genesis 3:16).  There’s a lot more that could be said than that, but there’s not less.  God’s curse on us is being lifted (and will certainly be lifted in the fullness of time) in Christ, but we still bear the scars and experience the remnants of it today.  That’s why it’s hard to gently love and fittingly submit.   

Finally, and most briefly, it’s hard to see the goodness, beauty, and truth, and, therefore, it’s hard to joyfully and fruitfully obey this passage because the cosmic forces of evil are continually wielding their powers against us in it.  There is no greater earthly picture of the gospel than godly men and women, faithfully obeying Colossians 3:18-19.  Therefore, there’s no more strategic target for Satanic attack than Christian marriages.   

Paul’s commands are good, beautiful, and true, and they are obeyable in Christ, but they’ll always be harder in this life because of sin, curse, and Satan.  

With all of that, let’s look carefully at Paul’s charge for wives to submit fittingly to their husbands and for husbands to love their wives gently.    

Wives Submit Fittingly (18)

Look with me at v.18.  In it, we’ll see one aspect of what it means to bring family structures under the lordship of Jesus and in light of the preeminence of Christ.  

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

Grace, as I know you know, it is not up to us to decide how our homes should be ordered.  It is up to us to gladly conform our homes to the very good and beautiful ordering given to us by God.  

With that, there are three specific clauses worth pressing in on in v.18: (1) Submit, (2) to your husband, (3) fittingly.  

Submit

So, what does it mean to submit?  Ladies, it means, what you think it means.

It’s used 38 times in the NT.  It refers to the kind of submission God brings demons into (1 Peter 3:22).  It refers to the kind of subjection that everything is brought into Jesus (1 Corinthians 15:27).  It’s the kind God brings creation into (Romans 8:20).  It’s a strong word.

But it also refers to think kind of subjection that God’s people willingly submit to.  For instance, in Ephesians (5:21), Paul uses the same word to describe the way all Christians are to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21).  Along these lines, it’s important to note that there are no commands for the husband to bring his wife into submission.  

Simply, ladies, obeying this command means willingly placing yourself under your husband’s leadership as the proper order under the Lordship of Jesus.  It means doing so voluntarily because you are convinced that it is good, beautiful, and true, rooted in God’s creation, nature, and goal.  

(The Ephesians passage (5:22-33) we read earlier reiterates this as does 1 Peter (3:1-7).)  

There is, of course, more to the role of wife than submission, but this passage helps us to see that there is not less.

To Your Husband

Second, and very briefly, it’s important to note that all women are not submit to all men.  This command is for one woman (wife) to submit to one man (her husband).  And it is to say, ladies, that your husband is to be your first ministry as your relationship with him pictures the gospel more than any other earthly relationship.  

(This isn’t to say that wives only submit to their husbands.  Wives, along with all Christians, must submit to governing authorities (Romans 13), to elders (Hebrews 13:17), to one another (Ephesians 5:21).)  

Fittingly

The final clause is the most important clause.  It defines the nature of the submission.  It is not unqualified submission, coming out of any motivation on the part of the wife or to any whim of the husband.  It is submission that is “fitting in the Lord.”

But what does that mean? Fitting equals well-ordered; according to design; proper; suitable.  

There’s a positive and a negative side to submission that is fitting in the Lord.  

Positively, fitting subjection is a glad-hearted, biblically-informed, wisdom-driven, Spirit-worked willingness to be led by your husband; rooted in God’s created order, nature, and plan for the fullness of time.  It is a gospel-imaging choice to come under your husband, in the knowledge that you are accountable to God for doing so, even as he’s accountable to God for how he leads.  

Negatively, that a wife’s submission is to be fitting in the Lord also means there are limits to a wife’s submission.  It is always under Christ; that is, with Christ as the highest authority.  It is, therefore, never opposed to Christ/into sin.  Practically, that means that wives are right to refuse to submit to their husbands when their husbands command something that Christ has forbidden or forbid something that Christ has commanded.  

The Bible gives us a few keys to fitting unsubmission:

1. It is always a grievous thing, never a defiant, haughty one.  There is no godly place for scoffing disobedience to anyone God has put in leadership over us.  This is found in the serious tone of the Apostles’ refusal to obey the Jewish leaders command to keep silent about Jesus, “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29).  This is also found in Paul’s quick repentance when he found out he was speaking ill of the high priest (Acts 23:5).  
2. It is always limited to the area of commanded sin.  Your husband’s misuse of his God-given authority in one area is not a blank check to fail to submit in whatever other areas you please.  I think this is the heart of Peter’s meaning when he wrote, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands…even if some do not obey the word.”  His point wasn’t to obey them in their disobedience.  His point was to obey them wherever you can even if he’s being disobedient elsewhere.  
3. It is always limited to the time of his sinful command.  If you must refuse to submit, it ought to be with a holy longing to be able to return to submission as soon as possible.  

For all the reasons we considered earlier, this can be particularly hard at times.  So, how does a wife gain the kind of wisdom and strength needed to obey this command in a manner fitting to the Lord?

All of this is primarily discerned by being a woman of the Word of God (2 Timothy 3:16), through Spirit-given wisdom (Colossians 1:9), according to the example of older saints (Titus 2), and within the context of a good church that will hold husbands accountable for the nature of their leadership (Matthew 18). 

Ladies, I urge you, therefore, as a means of knowing what it means to joyfully obey this passage, growing in the heart that does so naturally, and gaining the kind of strength necessary to do so over time, study your Bibles, pray earnestly, surround yourself with godly older women who are doing this well, and expect biblical church discipline.  

Don’t take this lightly.  It’s no small part of your charge to image the gospel to your husband, kids, church, and world.  It’s a noble ministry indeed.  And it’s no small lie about the gospel when you fail to do this as God intends.

Husbands Love Gently (19)

It’s interesting to me that the command for a wife to submit fittingly comes before the command for a husband to love gently.  In my mind, men leading well ought to come first, but thanks be to God that the church is built on God’s mind and not mine.  

Regardless of the order, men, rather than sitting there thinking, “Yeah, that’s right!  Did you hear that, wifey?  Boy am I glad you were here to hear that,” you ought to be thinking, “How should I live under God and with my wife such that her submission is normal, natural, joyful, edifying to her, and glorifying to God?”.  The answer is in v.19.

¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.

Just as was the case with Paul’s charge to wives, so too are there three clauses that we need to examine in his charge to husbands: (1) love, (2) your wife, (3) not harshly (gently).

Love

If you’ve been at Grace for any length of time, you’ve heard our operating definition of love—The affectionate pursuit of that which is best for another.  The charge, then, husbands, begins with the deep conviction that every aspect of your relationship with your wife must be characterized by a biblically-defined commitment to do everything for her greatest good, no matter the cost.  

But what does that mean?  My favorite book on marriage (Love that Lasts) gives five simple answers: 

It means loving our wives graciously, not according to her performance (1 Peter 3:7).

It means loving our wives sacrificially, as Christ laid down His life for the Church (Ephesians 5).

It means loving our wives redemptively, for her holiness above all (Ephesians 5).

It means loving her with understanding, knowing her according to God’s example (1 Peter 3:7).

And it means loving her with honor, with appreciation, courtesy, and respect (1 Peter 3:7).  

That’s what best for her.  To obey this command means loving her like that.  And when you love her like that, you will only lead her to good places and in good ways, her submission will find its proper place, and all will be able to see the goodness, beauty, and truth of God’s design.

Your Wife

The second clause, like it’s parallel in v.18, is simple and short.  There’s a way in which we are to love everyone like this—our neighbor as ourselves.  But Paul’s charge and its place within the larger story of the Bible helps us to see that we are to love our wives like this first, above everyone else on earth, before your kids, before your parents, before the members of your church, before your friends, before everyone other than God.  Husbands, obeying Paul’s command means loving your wives first on earth.    

Gently  

Finally, with practical knowledge and the inspiration of the Spirit, Paul warns husbands against a temptation common to most of us.  Where our wives might be most tempted to try to rule over us, men are often most tempted to be harsh even when we’re trying to do what’s best for our wives.  

The opposite of harshness is gentleness, which is the very heart of Christ toward His people (Matthew 11:29). 

Husbands, listen carefully to your wife.  Take her thoughts seriously.  Give her a place to work through them and help her form the strongest version of them.  Respond to her in times of difficulty, don’t react to her (reenact).  Pray with her often.  Remind her of the truth apart from conflict.  And do not raise your voice or your hands to her—ever.  Do not be harsh with her in your love.  

Don’t take this lightly, men.  It’s no small part of your charge to image the gospel to your wife, kids, church, and world.  It’s a noble ministry indeed.  And it’s no small lie about the gospel when you fail to do this as God intends.

Conclusion

When we combine all that we just covered with the place of 3:18-19 within the entire letter, it ought to be fairly easy to see that the big idea of this passage is also a critical aspect of enduring persecution and living according to our new natures in Christ.  When wives fittingly submitting to their husbands and husbands gently loving their wives it is a full, frontal assault on all that is opposed to Christ in us and around us.  

Men, hear me say that in God’s design, your consistent, Christ-like, gentle loving of your wife is part of the shaming of the cosmic forces that Jesus disarmed, it is part of the means by which you push back the darkness and let in the light, and it is part of how you create a culture in which the gospel makes sense and is rightly seen as good and beautiful.  It is what you were made for and what you were designed to do.  It is how you participate in the design, nature, and salvation of God.  It is your natural response to the preeminence of Jesus Christ above all.

Ladies, hear me say as well, that all of that is true for you as well, every time you fittingly submit to your husband’s leadership.  

All of this, rightly understood, is eternally good, beautiful and true, it is empowered by the Spirit, and it is among the good works God prepared in advance as our way of life, through Christ.  May it be increasingly so in every Christian home.