Colossians 3:18-4:1 –
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.
4 Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven.
Introduction
As I alluded to last Sunday, Christians tend to fall into one of two camps. Either they focus theology and doctrine and the lofty things of God or they focus on doing the things God calls His people to obey and do. J.I. Packer, in his book Knowing God, calls the theology people “balconeers” and the practical people “travelers”.
He “illustrated two kinds of interest in Christian things by picturing persons sitting on the high front balcony of a Spanish house watching travelers go by on the road below. The ‘balconeers’ can overhear the ‘travelers’’ talk and chat with them; they may comment critically on the way that the travelers walk; or they may discuss questions about the road, how it can exist at all or lead anywhere, what might be seen from different points along it, and so forth; but they are onlookers, and their problems are theoretical only. The ‘travelers,’ by contrast, face problems which, though they have their theoretical angle, are essentially practical—problems of the ‘which-way-to-go’ and ‘how-to-make-it’ type, problems which call not merely for comprehension but for decision and action too.”
Within the Church, we need people who are particularly gifted in both “bacloneering” and “traveling”—in both theology and practical living—but more importantly, we all need to be both in at least some measure if we are going to honor God with our lives. We can’t merely be people who think well, for the aim of thinking well is acting well (Romans 12:1-2). Likewise, we can’t merely be people who act well, because there’s no way to know what constitutes well-actions apart from thinking carefully about what God has commanded (Romans 10:2).
Apart from Christ, there has, perhaps, never been a better example of the traveling-balconeer than the Apostle Paul, the author of Colossians, the letter we’ve been considering for some time now.
He was exceedingly concerned with getting his doctrine right, but he was equally concerned with getting his actions right also. And so should we. We’ve made our way through the doctrine-heavy portion of Colossians. Most of the rest of the letter is action-oriented. We’ve covered what it means to have the mind of Christ. Now we’re covering what it means to live like Christ.
To that end, last week we looked at vs.18-19 and Paul’s first of three pairs of household applications—husbands and wives. We saw that one aspect of God’s design for families is that husbands ought to gently love their wives and wives ought to fittingly submit to their husbands. This morning we’ll look at his second pair—parents and kids.
As we do, we’ll see the big idea that one critical aspect of enduring persecution and living according to our new natures in Christ, in light of the preeminence of Jesus, is children pleasingly obeying their parents, and fathers encouragingly commanding their children. That’s also the main takeaway.
The Bigger Story of Parenting
The very first sin among mankind was Adam and Eve’s decision to forsake God’s perfect ordering of the world for their own way. We’ve been following in their example ever since. We do so sometimes because our parents failed to properly commend God’s design to us (Ephesians 6:4). Other times, as with Adam and Eve, we do so in outright rebellion, falsely and fatally believing our way is better (Romans 1:21-22).
That’s certainly true when it comes to marriage (as we saw last week), but it’s equally true when it comes parenting. God is not indifferent to how children orient toward their parents or parents orient toward their children. He designed the family unit to be ordered in particular ways and for particular purposes. We must conform to God’s design if we are to honor God and experience all that He has for us in our families. Indeed, the devastation caused by failing to do so is incalculable between aborted children, broken families, foolish parenting, and disobedient children.
Grace, as I hope you know, the power of the cross is such that no family is broken beyond repair. There is nothing so crooked that it cannot be straightened. No matter how out of sorts your family is, and no matter how much pain you’ve experienced, there is hope in Christ who can make all things new.
At the same time, just as nothing in your family was fully broken in a day, neither will anything be fully repaired in a day. We can be forgiven of our sins instantly, but God usually repairs gradually. And that means that the primary application for most of us today is to pick one aspect of God’s design to focus on. Parents, kids, your aim, as you experience the conviction and hope of the gospel, is to find one thing to take before the Lord, and then another, and then another.
To do so, it is essential for us to see God’s good design for families, that we might know what to pray for and work towards it in the Spirit’s power. Just like marriage, that’s best done from high up first. Seeing the parent-child relationship and Colossians 3:20-21 in their proper context, then, means seeing that they are rooted (again, just like marriage,) in God’s Creation, nature, and aim.
Rooted in God’s Creation
In one sense, God could have designed the family to function in any way He wanted. In that same sense, He could have designed the world to work without families at all. What He did do, because it’s the best thing, is create families to be made and formed inside a covenant union between one man and one woman (marriage). We see that in the first pages of Scripture, in God’s retelling of the story of His Creation of the world.
Genesis 1:26-28 Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness… 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”
God designed men and women (under ordinary circumstances) to be married and to have babies and to exercise dominion over the earth as families. And as the story continues, we find the first proclamations (of which our passage is an echo) of the shape God designed families to take.
Children, (Exodus 20:12), “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.”
Parents, (Deuteronomy 6:5-7), “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise…).
In other words, family, including the relationship between parents and their kids, is not man’s idea, it’s God’s. It’s God’s very good design from the very beginning of creation and the only pattern we can follow if we mean to live well-ordered, fulfilling, God-honoring lives. And within the family, parents are meant to command good and kids are meant to obey good commands.
Rooted in God’s Nature
But, Grace, there’s more. The relationship between kids and parents is rooted in creation because it’s part of God’s own nature. He is eternally Father and Son (and Spirit).
… The Son was always there with the Father; the one God has always been the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit…when we meet the Son, we meet one who “was in the beginning with God” (John 1:2), one who “was with the Father and was made manifest to us” (1 John 1:2). (Fred Sanders)
God is eternally Father and Son. What do we know about the relationship between Father and Son? Two things stand out in God’s answer to that question.
First, and above all, the Father loves the Son. In John’s Gospel, we read, “The Father loves the Son and has given all things into his hand” (John 3:35).
But the second main aspect of the relationship between God the Father and God the Son concerns the nature of the love they have for one another. Grace, does it surprise you to know that the love of the Father for His Son and the love of the Son for His Father are inseparably tied to the Father’s perfect commands and the Son’s perfect obedience?
In John 8:28–29, for instance, we read Jesus’ words, “… I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me. And … I always do the things that are pleasing to him.”
Similarly, later in John’s Gospel (14:31) and most clearly of all, we read, “I [Jesus] do as the Father has commanded me, so that the world may know that I love the Father.”
God is eternally Father and Son. The Father eternally loves the Son and the Son eternally loves the Father. Every command of the Father is best, so it is the Son’s greatest joy to obey every command. The combination of those two things is the essence of the eternal love between Father and Son. And all of that as a pattern for creation.
This means that parents will never truly appreciate Paul’s charge in this passage if it isn’t rooted in your understanding that it is a call on your lives to imitate the Father in His love and good commands. Likewise, it means that kids will never truly appreciate Paul’s charge in this passage if it isn’t rooted in your understanding that it is a call on your lives to imitate Jesus in His love and joyful obedience.
Rooted in God’s Aim
Finally, in the way of placing Colossians 3:20-21 in its proper place in the biggest story, we need to see it in relation to the God’s ultimate aim in the salvation of mankind. In shortest, simplest terms, heaven is not where we go to get away from obedience as sons and daughters, it’s the place where we will join Jesus in finding fullness of joy in perfect obedience to our heavenly Father.
In other words, parents, you must see your loving authority right now, not only in terms of conformity to God’s design and nature and in obedience to His commands, but as living picture of our relationship to the Father in heaven, which leads to pleasure forevermore. Think about that the next time you bark a selfish order while staring at your phone.
And kids, you must see your obedience to your parents now, not only as a key aspect of conforming to God’s design for you and as a means of imitating Jesus now, but also as a way of pointing to the glories of heaven! Think about that the next time you have a bad attitude when your parents tell you to clean your room or put away your phone!
Again, then, Paul’s charge for children to obey their parents in everything and his charge for fathers to give good (unprovoking, undiscouraging) commands, are rooted in God’s creation, nature, and aim; for His highest glory and our greatest, eternal good. Therefore, it is no small thing to give a command, parents, even as it’s no small thing to respond to one, kids.
Children Obey (20)
With that, look with me at v.20, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
Children, it is your God-given, Lord-pleasing role and responsibility to obey your parents in everything. What does that mean?
Children
Briefly, but importantly, it’s important to ask who, specifically, Paul had in mind by “children”. Of course, we never stop being children of our parents in one sense. And in Paul’s day, children often lived with their parents even after marriage. Additionally, the word itself does not refer to any specific age.
However, the broader context, including the parallel passage in Ephesians (6:1-3) and the root of both (Exodus 20:12), helps us to see that Paul primarily had in mind younger kids (0-10ish); kids dependent on their parents.
Among other things, that means, parents, this is first a command for us. What I mean is that for the first several years of our kids’ lives, they will not be able to understand these words or the goodness of them (even apart from the question of their salvation). Therefore, if we wait to require obedience until our kids understand the verse or until they come to Christ, we’ve lost a lot of ground that God doesn’t mean us to lose.
Obey Your Parents
So, what does it mean to “obey your parents,” kids?
You may have noticed that wives are to “submit” to their husbands, while children are to “obey” their parents. “Submit” in this sense is a broader term that can imply a bit of give and take. A godly wife might obey 3:18, submitting to her husband, then, by saying something like, “In the end, I’ll follow your lead, but would you consider something first?”
“Obey” on the other hand is more specific and implies a one-way exchange. Kids, therefore, obey 3:20, obeying their parents, by saying something like, “Yes, mama, I’ll clean my room right now.”
In other words, Paul’s command, children, means what you think it means—probably. As we will see in the next verse, parents are responsible to give good, God-honoring, encouraging commands (and will be held accountable by God for that), and children are responsible to obey them. You are to do what your parents tell you to do, kids.
In Everything
Which commands am I to obey, you might wonder? Every one of them, Paul said. “Obey your parents in everything.” That is, in every command that does not require you to do something God forbids or prevent you from doing something God requires. That’s the case even if you don’t fully understand or like their reasoning, approach, or attitude, especially when you are young.
And as you get older, kids, you honor Christ even more when you obey because you’ve learned to see and love the goodness of God’s design for your obedience.
For This Pleases The Lord
The key to this whole section is to describe what it looks like to function in distinctly Christian ways within the home. Some of it was consistent with cultural norms and some wasn’t. In every way, though, Christ is over culture. For it is by, through, and for Christ that the world was made and ordered. Parents and kids are to relate to one another in a manner that pleases the Lord Christ, for the manner in which parents and kids relate is for the pleasure of the Lord Christ. We are not our own. We belong to the Lord.
Another way to capture the heart of Paul’s intent behind “for this pleases the Lord” is to recognize that there is both a vertical and horizontal component to it. It is always vertical first (between you and God), but it is always lived out horizontally as well (between you and your parents). Doing so vertically means doing so for the reasons mentioned earlier (according to God’s creation, nature, and aim). Doing so horizontally means obeying (as we’ve learned to say at G2g) right away, all the way, and with a happy heart.
Fathers Encourage (21)
The temptation here, I imagine, is the same as last week. Just like husbands having heard of God’s will for their wives (fitting submission), might think, “Yeah. That’s right,” so too might parents be tempted to sit there thinking, “I sure hope my kids heard that. They haven’t been listening to me, maybe they’ll listen to Pastor Dave/Paul. They really need that message.”
However, just like a husband’s fitting response ought to be (not that, but) to ask himself, “What kind of leadership might I provide that would honor God and make it natural and joyful for my wife to fittingly submit,” a parent’s fitting response ought to be to ask themselves, “What kinds of commands might I give, and with what kind of motivation and attitude might I give them, that would honor God and encourage my kids to joyfully obey?”.
Let’s consider the different aspects of Paul’s answer to that question in v.21. Before getting really practical.
21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Fathers
One of the first things to notice is the shift from “parents” to “fathers.” Children are commanded to obey both parents, but this charge is to fathers specifically. Does that mean that it doesn’t apply to mothers too? I don’t think so. I think Paul is simply acknowledging that in God’s design fathers are primarily responsible for the instruction and obedience of their kids. At the same time, then, moms, this is for you as well, even as you look to your husband’s leadership in it.
Command Your Children
The second thing to see is that, while we ought not provoke our children to discouragement in anything, there is an implied clause between “Fathers” and “do not provoke”. In light of v.20, it is right to read v.21 like this: “Fathers, [as you issue the commands your kids are to obey in Lord-pleasing ways, you must,] not provoke them so as to discourage them.”
So, fathers, one thing this passage helps us to see is that we must give our kids instructions to follow.
Culturally, the pendulum tends to swing widely from heavy-handed, my-way-or-the-highway type parenting, to treating our kids more as buddies than kids, to essentially hands-off parenting. None of those approaches are what Paul has in mind.
The thing to see here, then, is that fathers are supposed to command, not merely suggest or encourage or nudge. Of course, there is a place for suggestions, encouragements and nudges, but if our kids are to please the Lord by obeying the Lord by obeying us, we must give them good commands to follow.
Without Tempting them to Be Discouraged
But the real thrust of this particular verse is that not every command or heart that commands is equal. Not every command or motivation behind it is good. Our job is not merely to command our kids and ensure their obedience. Our job is to give the right commands for the right reasons.
Even more particularly to this verse, as we give commands, we must be ever-mindful of the effect they have on our kids. Above all, Paul instructs, we must not give commands that will unnecessarily tempt our kids to be discouraged—that is, to avoid parenting in such a ways as to provoke them towards bitterness, losing heart, or “to react in a way that suggests acceptance of a challenge” (Moo, Pillar NTC, 307) that they will surely lose.
So how do we do that?
Again, before I share a handful of thoughts on that, it’s important to note that there’s a world of difference between (1) selfish, sinful kids not liking godly commands and (2) sinful parents giving sinful commands for sinful reasons. In both cases, kids are going to be provoked to discouragement when we tell them what to do, but for vastly different reasons. Paul, of course, is commanding fathers in regard to the second source of discouragement in our kids. This means, then, that we must watch out not only for discouragement in our kids, but for the cause of it as well.
So, what, specifically would Paul have us avoid? Or, how might we tempt our kids to discouragement?
- By not giving commands. God made kids to obey. When we don’t give them commands, they can’t do one of the things God designed them to do—like a painter with no canvas or an explorer with no wilderness or a boy without playtime. Similarly, when we don’t give them commands, they can’t know what we expect of them. They can’t know if they’re doing what we/God wants them to do or not. They cannot know whether they are obeying Colossians 3:20 or not.
- By giving too many commands. When all we do is bark orders—no encouragement, no affirmation, no joking, no praising—kids can’t help but to be discouraged. We’re meant to give commands, but not only or even mainly that.
- By giving inconsistent commands. When we tell them to do one thing one time and another the next, when they can’t predict what we’re going to tell them to do, we unnecessarily provoke them to discouragement.
- By having inconsistent consequences for disobedience. When they get severely punishment for disobeying a command one time and nothing the next time they disobey the same command, it is discouraging as well.
- By giving commands according to our selfish desires. That is, the content of our commands must be God’s Word and the motivation must be God’s glory and our kids’ good. Where we command sin or out of selfish desires, we will provoke our kids toward discouragement. In other words, there’s a big difference between the effect we’re likely to have on our kids when we command them to pick up the bowl of chips we spilled while jumping up in frustration at a bad call from the refs and when we command them to pick up the bowl of chips they spilled because they were being mean to their brother or sister.
- By being harsh with our commands. The tone of our commands matters too. There are times in which we might/must be firmer in our commands (especially in areas of persistent disobedience or in an area with more significant consequences). But that’s not the same as being unduly harsh, demanding, cold, critical, unkind, etc.
- By giving commands that we don’t follow ourselves. God’s Word is the standard, not our own conformity to it, but some of the most discouraging words a kid can hear are, “Do as I say, not as I do.”
- By failing to move from obedience to influence. Obedience in all ways 0-5ish. Influence in all ways from 16+ish. Maturity-based transition in the years in between. We will discourage our younger kids when we lecture them for a long time about things they can’t yet understand. And we will discourage our older kids when we’re giving them the same commands, in the same ways we did when they were toddlers. “Eat your peas” is different for a 17 year old than a 3 year old.
- By failing to help your kids see the root of your commands. Again, increasingly as they get older, we help our kids to avoid discouragement, by not only by giving them good commands, but also the good reasons for them. We want to help them see the goodness of God’s design, not just the design.
- By failing to teach them the hope of the gospel. No kid obeys perfectly, just as no parent commands and disciplines perfectly. We will discourage our kids if we only ever give them the standard no one can keep, apart from the hope that is in Christ for all sinners.
Paul’s charge is to avoid those things, for they lie about God’s creation, nature, and aim, and they will discourage our kids . Positively, we are to use our authority to encourage our kids by consistently giving good commands that we eagerly obey ourselves under God, well-balanced with affirmation and praise, with good, joyful hearts, rooted in God’s Word, decreasingly as they get older, and always in the hope of the gospel. With God’s help, that will not only not discourage them, but it will encourage them and provide the proper backdrop for the gospel.
Putting it into Practice
Putting all of this together is largely what we’ve been doing in the parent time in G2g. If you haven’t been coming, it’s not too late. Join us tonight if you can.
In the way of really practical advice, parents, let me conclude by commending to you “Pastor Dave’s three-step plan for successfully putting this into practice” (copyright pending).
- Pray constantly. Pray specifically for yourself and your kids. Pray in the knowledge that God is able even when you are not. Pray for wisdom. Pray for salvation. Pray for joy. Pray for help and strength and perseverance. Pray in thanksgiving and praise when the Spirit’s work is easy to see. Pray in confession when you fail. Pray in desperation for your every need. Pray for your kids and with your kids. Pray alone and with your spouse. Pray silently and out loud. Pray at dinner and bed. Pray as you are going and through a list of things you’ve written down. Pray in hope. Pray in expectation that God will keep every promise in Christ. Pray God’s Word and your every thought. Pray.
- Model consistently. Fight with all you have to model at all times and in every way for your kids the kind of Lord-pleasing obedience you mean them to have in relation to you, in your obedience to your Father in heaven, your civil authorities on, and your elders at Grace (in your obedience to those in authority over you). The next time you’re frustrated with your kids’ persistent disobedience, consider whether or not they’ve seen in you what you’re calling for in them. Have they seen a submissive spirit in you? And when you’ve failed, have they seen you turn to God in prayer and to the gospel in hope and repentance?
- Win every time when they are young. Every command must end in obedience or discipline. Don’t count. Don’t negotiate. Don’t bribe. Don’t bargain. Don’t ignore. Don’t delay. If you can’t enforce it, don’t command it. And if you command it, follow through. Every time. It’s hard sometimes. It’s exhausting sometimes. It’s overwhelming sometimes. But it’s right every time. Losing this battle here will have significant effects, with increasingly severe consequences, as they get older. Conversely, by God’s design, winning this battle here means much more joyful and mutual teenage years.
And as they get older, root more and more of your parenting in the bigger story for them, focusing on their love for God, His story, and their place in it. And as they get old, focus on influence and wisdom more than command. With God’s help, and according to His design, as your kids are mid to late teenagers, your aim should be to have no rules for them that you don’t have for yourself.
The aim is to move toward a relationship with them that is more about encouraging one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, than as a relationship based in authority/submission. Your aim is not obedience for obedience’s sake. Your aim is obedience, so that they will feel their unwillingness and inability, so that they will turn to Christ for forgiveness and strength and holiness and joy. Your aim is that they would trust in Christ, who alone is perfectly obedient. Your aim is that they would live out of their own godly convictions that drove the commands you gave.
This is God’s design for Christian homes. But, as you all know, the world is broken in such a way that neither parents nor kids can do all of this right. On our best days, we are parents who struggle to do this well, with kids who struggle to do it well. But the gospel is the good news that although our failure in these ways alienated us from God and made us hostile in mind to God, “he has now reconciled [us] in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him [as we] continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard.”